danny rosenberg

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by  Adrienne Luther .

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Joker

Joker’s greatest offense is its failure to properly psychoanalyze its protagonist. So when Arthur Fleck (and likewise the movie) finally descends into madness, it doesn’t feel earned. Or for that matter, believable.

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Ad Astra

Most space movies feel claustrophobic, but Ad Astra didn’t. Instead of chest-tightening tight shots, each shot is filled with enough emotion to pack a punch Brad Pitt right in his pretty boy mouth. And Pitt, by the way, is definitely (inter)stellar as an astronaut on a mission to find the father who may not be the hero he’s romanticized.

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Rocketman

It’s the best movie musical since Hairspray (come at me Mamma Mia bros) and the best music biopic since four young men from Compton told us to fuck the police. Rocketman is what Across the Universe wanted to be and what everyone somehow mistook Bohemian Rhapsody to be. It’s some of the most fun you’ll have at the movies all year.    

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Booksmart

When the end-of-the-decade lists start popping up at the end of the year, “Booksmart” will undoubtedly go down as one of the best high school movies of the decade. Like the best coming of age comedies before it, it’s relevant and timeless all at once (and has a killer soundtrack).

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Skate Kitchen

If you blended the spirit of “American Honey,” the understanding of what-it-means-to-be-a-teen-in-2018 of “Eighth Grade” and the feeling of being-part-of-something-bigger-than-yourself-as-a-result-of-skating of “Mid90s,” you’d get Skate Kitchen – an often-times hilarious, deeply moving and wholly unique vision of what it means to be a kid on the cusp of adulthood whose finally found her people.

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Vice

I really hope everything Adam McKay puts forward in the future does away with the characters-talking-at-you thing that he apparently is fond of now. It worked well with “The Big Short” because it was funny and refreshing, but mostly because that banking shit is very confusing and was surely to go over the heads of 90 percent of the audience otherwise, myself included. Vice cheapens everything that worked well for The Big Short and turns its success into nothing more than a gimmick, with far diminished returns.

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The Favourite

It’s a movie that deliberately does everything to keep you at an arm’s reach, but if you stick with it, The Favourite makes for an immensely entertaining moviegoing experience. I’m already excited about returning to it in order to pick up on things I didn’t catch the first time.

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